What do I do?

I just made one of the hardest decisions for my future. In order to get into the BFA program for Illustration, one needs to apply and send in an application in the spring or summer. The summer deadline is past and I received an email from my Illustration professor, Brother Hull, a very influencial man in the art department. He wrote me this. . .

Melissa:

We recently checked the list of August Illustration BFA applications and discovered that you had not applied. You are very talented and we had hoped that you would continue through the BFA program. Even though the deadline for applications has passed you may still apply. The application can be downloaded online at our website at visualarts.byu.edu. After filling the form out take it to Jeana Clark in 3122 JKB.

If you are not applying tell me why.

Bro Hull

I couldn't believe that they were allowing me to still apply even though the deadline was past. I figured if they were going to make me such an exception to the rule, I ought to at least consider applying. It's not something I had been taking lightly. I had worried over this decision for the past year and had finally come to the conclusion with a sound mind at the end of winter semester. I decided I would not apply. It hurts my pride not to continue my studies in Illustration. I will graduate with a bachelor of arts instead of a bachelor of fine arts. This is unless my professor can somehow convince me otherwise. I wrote him this email back. . .

Brother Hull, it's actually really hard for me to talk about this because I'm really torn. I hadn't been planning on applying to the BFA for several reasons. Now that I'm married, I wanted to focus more on putting my husband through his schooling. I intend to graduate, but I had wanted to do it as quickly as possible so that I could have my days free to work full time. If I did get into the BFA program, that would mean at least an extra year of school. That would be a full year of tuition to pay and no time to work for money. I also shy away from going into the BFA program because I know that I'm not as career minded as my peers in the department. I might like to do childrens books in my far future if I have the leisure time, but first and foremost I want to be a mother. Though a BFA would be essential to someone who wanted to make a living off their talent, I really just want to be a housewife. I know that that may sound aweful. I love art, and will get my BA for sure. I want to continue developing my portfolio at least on my own. Another, less important and more firivilous reason why I'm not sure the BFA program is for me is because I feel that I've really struggled in the art department. I know that my grades have not suffered, but my self-esteem has. I feel I came to BYU very confident in my abilities and having a passion for creating works of art. While here, though the critiques are to build our talents, I feel they have taken quite a toll on my artwork and personality. I have people come to me for art commissions and I want to turn them down because I have no more confidence in my work. I'm afraid that an extra year in the department will strip me more of what I used to love about myself. I know that sounds really depressing, and I'm sorry for that. For all the reasons that I feel I should not follow the BFA path, there is a pride in me that makes me want to do it. I know that it will be hard and I know I will be overwhelmed at times, but I know that I could successfully do it. I'm just wondering if pride is a good enough reason to continue? I truly hope I have not offended in any way, and I honestly would appreciate any advice you have to give. I'm sure you'll understand my situation and stances on why I might not want to continue, and I know you'll give me the best advice you can muster. I know this because you are a good man and a wonderful professor. I really love the way you teach and feel you sincerely care about your students. Thank you for taking the time to be concerned about my future, you're a good man.

Sincerely, Melissa Hudson

I'm afraid that his email was a last chance that the Lord was giving me to get my BFA. I pray about it and feel nothing. My sickness comes when I think of doing the BFA, it releases when I think of not doing the BFA, but comes again when I feel ungrateful for not taking their generosity and building my talents more. . . .What to do?